Vexen Crabtree 2015


Vexen Crabtree's Live Journal

Sociology, Theology, Anti-Religion and Exploration: Forcing Humanity Forwards

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partner is poly but not sure if he himself is also poly

What do you say to this situation? A couple is in a loving relationship for a decade and has never known anyone who is poly. They have always been honest about their attractions to other people which never developed into secondary relationships. They have never thought such attractions would so develop anyway. But when the woman went abroad for a few months and met another man from whom she felt genuine love, she discovered for herself that she was capable of conceiving and actually deciding to "share herself" with others in an equally loving and caring relationship. However, she did not get into a relationship because the man was married and was not ready to tell his wife about his feelings for her. When the woman goes back to his partner, she continues communicating and sustaining her friendship with the married man from abroad. And then she tells to her partner about it. (It's like a "coming out".}

The man understands that his partner is "poly" in accordance with your description of what a "poly" is like. In fact, exactly in accordance with your description.

He suspects that the reason he could sympathize with her is that he is also a "poly" but is not so sure about it. He gets so hurt sometimes just thinking that their relationship somehow changed.

Ah, THAT's what it is...


I found your explanations of Polyamory very enlightening & educational (seeing as I didn't know what it meant). I'd heard the word before, but I assumed it meant an African Grey (or possibly a Norwegian Blue) wielding a Glock 17, Steyr AUG, FN P-90, SA-80, AK-47, Desert Eagle & a Barrett L-50

(runs to avoid pun-induced expletives, thrown objects & spells)



(fellow comrade-in-fur with a somewhat twisted sense of humour, interest in military hardware & Terrie Smith art)

Dear Polyamorous Friends:
This is a subject that I was first introduced to in Germany in the early 1960's and has remained an interest ever since. I agree with most of the statements in this essay ... although I still have many questions about this life style, as well as my own ability to interact in all of the ways that make polyamory work successfully. What about such subjects as "special interests" in polyamorous relationships: my own interests run to relationship styles like group marriage and multiple couples marriage. On the "intimate" side my interests run to ideas about "spiritual, emotional, and intellectual" bonding. And on the physical level I am interested in both polyamorous and biamorous relationships which include multiple committed couples. On the personal level I am both experimental and oral ... clitoral and vaginal enlargement, "clit pumping," and breast and clit modification are also an interest ... as are biamorous activities like sucking sperm from the vagina of my wife or another woman they've had intercourse and taking ejaculation directly in my own mouth. How do any of these things fit into the polyamorous group and community. Although I and my partner have strong sexual interests, we do not want merely "swinging" ... we desire something more in the line of a group marriage with other committed couples. Anyone who has any ideas, pro or con, about how we might enter into such relationships, or how we might find couples with compatable spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and sexual interests, please e-mail us at We are interested in hearing from people who have similar interests, experiences, or advice about the kinds of things I have mentioned here. Thanks and hope you can answer some of our concerns, ideas, desires, and inquiries in a discrete communication with us.

I'd like to live as a member of a poly group... in Hungary.

thank you

hi , im a 42 year old guy and i chanced on your site whilst looking for info on the goth scene....its been a real eye opener , Ive just found the label to apply to myself. Ive had 3 really good relationships ruined because other partners couldnt understand my need to be really close (not sexually but emotionally ) with another women or guy. ive always tried to be honest but its always gone horribly wrong because my partner just didnt understand.
again thanks , i now have a place from which to start to find myself before embarking on another disasterous mono relationship.
hippiepunk, you can find me under that name on myspace

i loved it!!!.

What makes you think the group sex is Purely a male hetrosexual fantasy,

just found out I'm kinda normal, for poly.

I have always had lots of women for friends.My wife of 30 yrs is VERY monogamous. I am merely friends with the other women I love. The hugs and cuddlles are much better than having it end because we went too far. I'm too honest to cheat


For the new global vision on sexuality please see: , or go to world's greatest site on Human Sexology: and click on LINKS and then on SEXUAL ORIENTATION.
Thank you.


I have been in a relationship with a man for the last five yeats. I always try to get him in a conversation about his desire and need for having multiple partnerships, but he becomes defensive. This is the best information i have read so far about this subject. I guess you could call me his primary partner. I have to remind him to give me time because sometimes he stays away too long. He told me yesterday that he wants multiple relationships. He said his brother wants to get married but he doesn't. I can understand why he doesn't want to get married. He doesn't want to hurt anyone. He seems to have been trying to break things off with me over the past couple of months because he is involved in a relationship with another woman. He says he isn't but he is. He wants actually for us to meet, me and his female friends because he doesn't want drama, wants to be open and wants to be happy and accepted. He doesn't know about the concept of polyamory. But he is living it. He doesn't want a lot of sexual partners due to the obvious reasons of having too many complex relationships and the normal fears of sexually transmitted diseases and the like. He idolizes Hugh Hefner of the Playboy empire. He thinks that he is just saying that in jest but he means it. I am a monogamous person by contrast. I could only be comfortable with this whole set up if he and I were married. Nothing would change. He would still be out recruiting people to be "in the circle", as he calls it. I would just accept it as he being who he is and just focus on our relationship and try to keep it strong and not worry about what goes on in his other relationships. I just feel that when he experiences the newness of the new relationship, it threatens the stability of our relationship and that is what bothers me. He's also bipolar, which I think has a lot to do with his state of being. All very interesting...

Loving (yourself) more

It is shocking that the tag line for "polys" is "loving more" as this lifestyle is obviously a shallow mockery of love. The only person a "poly" loves is themselves. This is a convenient way to avoid intimacy. By seeing and having sex with multiple people, there is no trust and vulnerability established. Love comes from being incredibly open to ONE person. It is a joke to say this lifestyle is "childlike" - the term *immature* is more accurate. "Polys" have never experienced the true joy of real love because they are too immature, lazy and selfish to commit to someone and do the work that a long-lasting and fulfilling relationship takes. No, one person cannot be everything to another person. Monogamy doesn't promise that, however; only that one person can be your comfort, your support, your cocoon because that person cares about YOU as much (or even more) than they care about themselves. Being happy to hear your loved one fucking another person in the next room indicates mental illness, not an "enlightened attitude free from the confines of societal norms." Societal norms exist for a reason. To say that being "poly" is no more of a choice than homosexuality is an insult - it's like saying "I was born a selfish, cruel asshole, I cannot change how I am!" Anyone who willingly participates in this lifestyle either is an incredibly selfish, shallow individual or someone so lacking in a sense of self worth that they would settle for far less than true love. This is a hollow sham and a far cry from the beauty of TRUE love.

Re: Loving (yourself) more

Wow they're some pretty hateful assertions; I don't think I've heard of poly's being so ignorant, obnoxious and reactionary against those who live in mono relationships. Is there any reason your opinions are so extreme? Have you actually met any poly folk? I'm afraid your comments do not approach the truth at all.

Re: Loving (yourself) more

You make blanket statements. Please learn how to make an argument.

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