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To: All Al Queda Fighters From: Bin Laden, Osama Subject: The Cave Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns. 1) While it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rota...have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the Halaal toaster). 2) It's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the sh it out of most of the world's population, okay? This means while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks. 3) Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying. 4) I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks. 5) Graffiti. To whoever wrote "OSAMA F**K S DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain. 6) The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.) Finally , We've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave. Love you lots, Group Hug. Os. P.s. - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore. (I got this when it was posted to the Sluts list several weeks ago) Tags: afghanistan, humour, iraq, jokes, osama bin laden
Current Mood:  awake
Listening To: "Sleepwalk" by Christian Death
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A Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. /when the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: DEAREAST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S.SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE. Tags: chicago, death, florida, hell, humour, illinois, jokes
Current Mood:  happy
Listening To: "War (revenge and nemesis version)" by Wumpscut
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silly
amused